I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
