It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
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