How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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