my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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