My liver just broke up with me...
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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