Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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