I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
