I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
