it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
