I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Randomize
