we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Randomize
