I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
