hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
