I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Randomize
