and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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