don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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