The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
