someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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