my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
