I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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