If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
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