i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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