Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
