you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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