Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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