Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
