you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
