just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
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