i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
