I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
