I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
