My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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