Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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