I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
