i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
