Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
