proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
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