I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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