Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
