I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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