And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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