the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
