I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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