the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
