Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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