I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
