Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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