the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
