I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
