How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
