Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
