Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Life is so much better after having sex.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
